Dear Uncle Sash,

I've been missing you a lot lately. I'm disappointed I wasn't able to come to the dedication of Chaos Mundaka...that would have been really nice. I wish you could know that you are and always will be my biggest hero. You had so much money and yet only thought to spend it on the things you were passionate about...you wouldn't spend money on anything that doesn't mean anything to you, even though you easily could. I used to joke about how I thought you would live forever. If anyone could have done it, it'd be you. In your last days of living, you were more physically fit that I ever would hope to be in my lifetime. I wish I could have gone hiking with you, gone boating, done the things you loved. I wish I remembered to take one of your ties. Even though I've made it through one holiday season without you, I feel like this one will be so much harder. It's so much more real now, for some reason. When I think about you, I just get really happy and inspired. I honestly think you are one of the most amazing people I will ever meet in my life, and not just because you're my uncle. Every time I read your obituary, I wonder how one man could have such an eventful life...you traveled, were detained in Japanese prison, served in the military, and were still able to gain a degree and found a multi-million dollar company. I love you, and I love how passionate you are about art, boating, and, of course, fine wine. I miss you so much.

Love always,

Me.

Dear Chelsea,

Our friendship is superficial. We care about each other, and I can still say you're one of my best friends...but I can't talk to you about much. Lately you've been doing little things that hurt my feelings....like not asking me how my gynecology appointment went, and my EEG. Or when you and Lindsey decide to do something and either leave without saying anything to me, or ask me in passing last minute. I'm just starting to feel like I don't matter. But more times than not you do something else that makes me feel dumb for feeling that way, and everything is better. But it doesn't change the fact that I don't feel like I can tell you much...like the problems I'm having, or my guy situations... for some reason I think you judge me every time I talk about anything like that. And I understand why you don't get it, because you're lucky enough to be in the relationship you're in now. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. I keep trying to think if there was ever a time we talked about things that actually matter, and I feel like there must have been, because who else would I have talked to? I just don't want us to stop being close...but maybe it's too late for that.

Love,

Me.

Dear Paul,

You're the first person I've slept with since Ian. And the only other guy I've kissed since Ian was Tim...and that's not something I'd ever want to do again. You're a really, really nice guy...as far as I can tell. And I'm comparing you with Ian which is so weird to me because I've never compared guys before...probably because I've never had a really good guy to compare anyone else to. Ian would have talked to me more, and wanted me to spend the night. I didn't get that from you....but I shouldn't have. I don't know what I'm looking for and I think it's just that I want to date you...or at least continuously hook up with you, and hang out with you.................like it was with Ian. You're very cute and I really enjoyed the other night. You're actually the first guy since my ex-Sami to shower with me. Weird. It's also always nice to be fed in the morning. =) I liked the art even you were doing today. It's really awesome that you do that, and care so much. I'd like to paint with you sometime....maybe you can teach me art and I can teach you accordion. But I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean...that was a hickey on your neck, right?

From,

Me

Dear Tim,

Right now I'm actually waiting for you to get off work so that we can hopefully hang out. And I'm probably making a really bad decison. For some reason, I really just want to give you the benefit of the doubt...and maybe even another chance, if you wanted it. Really, though, I still am not really convinced that you were telling me the truth at Sean's party...it just doesn't seem logical....why would I get upset with you for wanting to move? Don't you think I'd rather hear that then get ditched for three weeks straight? You told me you liked me, and that you wanted to take things slow...and that meant a lot to me. It's something I've never heard anyone say to me before and it's what made me feel like I could trust you so easily. Simply put, I was comfortable with you. I'm hoping that our friendship will work out...and I'm hoping that now that we're just friends, you won't randomly bail on me because now you have no excuse...or not the one you were using before. When we started hanging out I thought you were so nice, and actually a genuine guy...and, for some reason, I still do think that. Even though most of my friends just want to write you off as an asshole, I'm just not convinced. I really believe that you're just a dumbass...which, of course, doesn't sound so great but...it's better than being an asshole. I do think you have a good heart, and just figure you're dumb when it comes to handling certain situations. I don't know why I still want to hang out with you...but I do. And I hope you actually call me tonight.

Dear Risa,

The first time I met you I thought you were awesome....the second time, not so much. I was jealous. Regardless, I never would have thought we'd end up being as close friends as we are now. I'm glad I can be a crazy idiot with you. And I'm glad you don't judge anything I do, and I've never had to explain myself to you. I don't even think you having a boyfriend now is going to change anything, because you're still the fucking insane girl I love. We completely just get each other and I feel like I can talk to you about anything, even though I've only known you a few months. You're really great and I can't wait for the crazy antics we're going to get into this year.

Love,

Me

Dear Serena,

Security cameras? Monitoring software? Seriously? We were completely in the right to call you a bitch. Do you really expect to leave 3 college students alone in your office for a month and have us all do your work diligently without goofing off? You're a fucking nut job. At least you still (claim) you'll send me my work. But explain the whole "Alisa drank my whiskey but she didn't chat online, so she can stay" garbage. I don't get it. Despite what you may say, I'm still a good person and still deserve to have my hard work recognized. And I'm going to make sure to warn people on Craigslist about you. You run a company without any full-time employees...two women and a handful of interns WHO WORK FOR FREE...I think you can afford for them to go on Facebook once in awhile.

From,
-Me.

Dear Ryan,

It was so great to see you up here...and I love how much your parents like me. Sometimes I feel like the adopted daughter, and sometimes I feel like the girlfriend of 2 years. We get along great and you're honestly one of my best friends. I feel like if I met you now maybe I'd have a crush on you, but I've known you for so long (4 years!) that to me you'll always be my good friend I can cuddle with whenever I want. I'm completely comfortable around you, too...You're one of two guys I fart around. And while that might not seem like a nice point to you, it really is a compliment. Sometimes I worry that you like me and that somethings going to happen to make things awkward between us. I couldn't imagine not having you as a friend. Honestly. So sometimes I talk about boy problems or do something else to make sure you know I don't want to date you. Maybe that makes me a bitch, but I can't fathom the idea of hurting you or not having you in my life. Maybe we will end up getting married like we joke about all the time. To be honest, I couldn't imagine having sex with you, but I wouldn't mind living with you the rest of my life....you make some good spaghetti.

Love,
Me

Dear Sean,

A year ago today, hell, 6 months ago, I wouldn't expect we'd even be talking...much less getting into our personal lives. To be honest, everyone tells me I shouldn't waste my time talking to you, and that I'm just going to get sucked into more emotional bullshit and drama that I don't need to deal with...but I can't just drop you like that. For whatever reason, I still care about you and want you in my life. You hurt me a lot in the past, but I got over that awhile ago. I still think you lost interest in me when you found out I wouldn't sleep with you. You say it's because we were too different, but, honestly, that didn't bother you until I stopped you that one day. And it was downhill from there. I appreciate you're recognition of being an asshole, and I see you're a good guy...but I just don't want to come back to you for anything more than a friendship. To be honest, the fact that we're even as close as we are as friends right now blows my mind. I wish you'd stop alluding to wanting to hook up with me, though...I made it clear I wasn't interested and I'd like you to understand that. I think you keep forgetting you were my first kiss; my first boyfriend. Everything was weird and new for me and you had no idea...we didn't communicate at all. We were never meant to be together romantically. When you told me the other night that you want me now than ever before, all I could figure is that now I'm sexually active and drink and smoke, so you have a chance. I hope you realized you don't. Sean, it would just be too weird...and, really, truthfully, if I met you today I wouldn't go after you. I'm confident now, and am making myself learn to be picky. You know that, though...I told you that. I do appreciate your friendship though...I honestly do. I just think our experiences together have been strange, and never really natural. ...you probably disagree.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Ian,

You're only around for a few more days and I'm afraid of never seeing you again. You'll never understand how much the last few weeks mean to me. I realize that we were never dating, and I did my best to not get attached. I don't think I am, and I made a conscious effort not to fall for you. I do know, however, that if we were both living in the same city permanently I would have fallen hard awhile ago. You've been treating me better than anyone I've ever been involved with. You're one of the first guys in a long time who hasn't made me cry. And maybe that's because we haven't been around each other long enough...maybe if we were still around each other a month from now you'd have the chance to really hurt me and confuse me just like previous guys...but for some reason I doubt that. I like hanging out with you, and I like spending the night. I was really surprised the day I after I spent the night for the second time...when you wanted to spend the day with me. I wasn't expecting that at all. Even though we're not together, and really nothing more than friends with benefits, I guess, this has been more of a legitimate relationship than I've had in over a year. You made me realize what I can have. I've always known there are good guys out there...I know a ton, but thanks to you now I feel like I can find one to be with. I don't want to settle for 1am calls anymore. You said we'll see each other before you leave, and I hope that's true. Thank you for giving me good memories that I can look back on without any regret. Thank you for walking me home that night, and for holding my hand as we walked down the street. Thank you for letting me be myself, and laughing at all the weird things I do. Thank you for remembering pretty much everything I say...it really amazes me. Thank you for making me breakfast. Just...thank you. You probably have no idea how all of this has made me feel. You're sweet and wonderful and...I'll never forget you. Good luck with all of your awesome plans. I do hope we'll cross paths again one day.

I really will miss you,
-Me.