Dear Jon,

You're confusing the hell out of me. And I'm pretty sure I'm just jumping to conclusions and you're actually just a guy who doesn't drop everything to get laid. If that's true, good for you. But it's just weird that you've been texting me all the time for the past week, and then we make out, and then you completely stop. I'm giving it another couple days before I contact you first again. You text me, great...if not, oh well. You seem like a really sweet guy, and I like being around you. And I liked kissing you...and I would have let that go much further another night, and not in a parking lot. I get the strange feeling you're avoiding me for some reason...but again, I'm probably completely wrong. Or maybe it has to do with Gio. I'm not sure, but if the issue is because you're both into me, well, I'd much rather hang out and not do anything physically with either of you than not be allowed to be around you because of that issue. But I doubt that's it. I think someone would say something if that was it. Unless you guys just think I'm slutty because of that, which I guess I understand. There's really nothing I can do but wait and see what happens. It sucks, but hell. What am I supposed to do? It's just been a long time since I've been so fucking unsure of myself. It's an awful feeling. And if I'm completely honest with myself, you're probably not doing anything wrong. You have no reason to invite me to do anything...we just met a couple weeks ago. I guess I just was hoping we'd hit it off and be good friends all summer. I guess I'm just jealous. I want to hang out with you. And not just you--Gio, too. Hanging out and getting drunk with you two is fun. When you were kissing me, it felt really nice. Nice, like...right. And the massage was great, too. It was just really nice being flirted with, and you putting your arm around me and holding me. It felt right, it felt natural. But I'm not saying that as if I want some sort of relationship, or even a regular hook up (though that would be great). You just make me very comfortable. It's weird. Almost like Ian or Paul...though not quite that extreme. Anyway, I hope I see you again soon. And as long as you and Gio haven't made some sort of pact against me (I really am that paranoid), I'm sure I will.

From,

Me

Dear Sean (again),

I'm not sure why I slept with you. I looked back at the last letter I wrote you, about how if I met you today I wouldn't go for you, and that now I am more confident and am trying to be picky.... well, guess I slipped. Honestly, I'm in a rut, and I just don't really have my head on my shoulders right now...so I let that happen. I shouldn't have, yet I feel like I'll just let it happen again. And it weirds me out that I'm the only non-girlfriend you've ever slept with. I don't know what to do. And being with Angel, Matt, and the twins made me feel even more idiotic about everything. I had to sit there and laugh when they were making fun of you, and making fun of me for ever dating you... and then in the back of my mind all I could think about is how I spent the night with "that moron" just a few days ago. If the LAN party came first, I never would have put myself in that position with you...I think. I still think you're a decent guy, and I like that we're friends again and everything but shit...what was I thinking? And I know that's harsh, even mean but...I don't know. It's bothering me, and that sort of thing generally doesn't bother me. I don't know what to do.

Always,

Me

Dear Ian,

Ok...I'm writing to you again. I mean, you are the reason I started this blog in the first place. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote that first letter and...nothing has changed. I still think about you a lot, and I absolutely love the phone conversations we have. I was thinking about you today, and was thinking about calling you but I was nervous about that being weird. Your happy valentine's day text made my day. It was something I was hoping for but not expecting at all. You said you are hoping to visit before the end of the semester and I really hope that happens. Last time we talked you asked me when I'm coming to Chicago. I hope you are serious about having me up there because I'd love more than anything to spend time with you again. You could have so easily just been a random summer fling but you ended up being a really amazing friend and someone I wish I could actually see regularly instead of talking to on the phone every few weeks. There's not a doubt in my mind that we would be together if we lived anywhere near each other. Ian, you make me happy, and I seriously value the relationship we have, more than any other relationship I've had with any other guy, no matter how casual or serious. I'm glad you still think about me and like talking to me and I love the voice mails you leave me and I love that you even care enough to leave voice mails and I think you're the only person I still talk to on the phone for more than 10 minutes at a time (aside from family). I am counting on seeing you in the next few months. You haven't let me down yet, so here's hoping you'll come through with this, too.

Miss you a ton!

-Me

Dear Uncle Sash,

I've been missing you a lot lately. I'm disappointed I wasn't able to come to the dedication of Chaos Mundaka...that would have been really nice. I wish you could know that you are and always will be my biggest hero. You had so much money and yet only thought to spend it on the things you were passionate about...you wouldn't spend money on anything that doesn't mean anything to you, even though you easily could. I used to joke about how I thought you would live forever. If anyone could have done it, it'd be you. In your last days of living, you were more physically fit that I ever would hope to be in my lifetime. I wish I could have gone hiking with you, gone boating, done the things you loved. I wish I remembered to take one of your ties. Even though I've made it through one holiday season without you, I feel like this one will be so much harder. It's so much more real now, for some reason. When I think about you, I just get really happy and inspired. I honestly think you are one of the most amazing people I will ever meet in my life, and not just because you're my uncle. Every time I read your obituary, I wonder how one man could have such an eventful life...you traveled, were detained in Japanese prison, served in the military, and were still able to gain a degree and found a multi-million dollar company. I love you, and I love how passionate you are about art, boating, and, of course, fine wine. I miss you so much.

Love always,

Me.

Dear Chelsea,

Our friendship is superficial. We care about each other, and I can still say you're one of my best friends...but I can't talk to you about much. Lately you've been doing little things that hurt my feelings....like not asking me how my gynecology appointment went, and my EEG. Or when you and Lindsey decide to do something and either leave without saying anything to me, or ask me in passing last minute. I'm just starting to feel like I don't matter. But more times than not you do something else that makes me feel dumb for feeling that way, and everything is better. But it doesn't change the fact that I don't feel like I can tell you much...like the problems I'm having, or my guy situations... for some reason I think you judge me every time I talk about anything like that. And I understand why you don't get it, because you're lucky enough to be in the relationship you're in now. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. I keep trying to think if there was ever a time we talked about things that actually matter, and I feel like there must have been, because who else would I have talked to? I just don't want us to stop being close...but maybe it's too late for that.

Love,

Me.

Dear Paul,

You're the first person I've slept with since Ian. And the only other guy I've kissed since Ian was Tim...and that's not something I'd ever want to do again. You're a really, really nice guy...as far as I can tell. And I'm comparing you with Ian which is so weird to me because I've never compared guys before...probably because I've never had a really good guy to compare anyone else to. Ian would have talked to me more, and wanted me to spend the night. I didn't get that from you....but I shouldn't have. I don't know what I'm looking for and I think it's just that I want to date you...or at least continuously hook up with you, and hang out with you.................like it was with Ian. You're very cute and I really enjoyed the other night. You're actually the first guy since my ex-Sami to shower with me. Weird. It's also always nice to be fed in the morning. =) I liked the art even you were doing today. It's really awesome that you do that, and care so much. I'd like to paint with you sometime....maybe you can teach me art and I can teach you accordion. But I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean...that was a hickey on your neck, right?

From,

Me

Dear Tim,

Right now I'm actually waiting for you to get off work so that we can hopefully hang out. And I'm probably making a really bad decison. For some reason, I really just want to give you the benefit of the doubt...and maybe even another chance, if you wanted it. Really, though, I still am not really convinced that you were telling me the truth at Sean's party...it just doesn't seem logical....why would I get upset with you for wanting to move? Don't you think I'd rather hear that then get ditched for three weeks straight? You told me you liked me, and that you wanted to take things slow...and that meant a lot to me. It's something I've never heard anyone say to me before and it's what made me feel like I could trust you so easily. Simply put, I was comfortable with you. I'm hoping that our friendship will work out...and I'm hoping that now that we're just friends, you won't randomly bail on me because now you have no excuse...or not the one you were using before. When we started hanging out I thought you were so nice, and actually a genuine guy...and, for some reason, I still do think that. Even though most of my friends just want to write you off as an asshole, I'm just not convinced. I really believe that you're just a dumbass...which, of course, doesn't sound so great but...it's better than being an asshole. I do think you have a good heart, and just figure you're dumb when it comes to handling certain situations. I don't know why I still want to hang out with you...but I do. And I hope you actually call me tonight.