Dear Jon,

You're confusing the hell out of me. And I'm pretty sure I'm just jumping to conclusions and you're actually just a guy who doesn't drop everything to get laid. If that's true, good for you. But it's just weird that you've been texting me all the time for the past week, and then we make out, and then you completely stop. I'm giving it another couple days before I contact you first again. You text me, great...if not, oh well. You seem like a really sweet guy, and I like being around you. And I liked kissing you...and I would have let that go much further another night, and not in a parking lot. I get the strange feeling you're avoiding me for some reason...but again, I'm probably completely wrong. Or maybe it has to do with Gio. I'm not sure, but if the issue is because you're both into me, well, I'd much rather hang out and not do anything physically with either of you than not be allowed to be around you because of that issue. But I doubt that's it. I think someone would say something if that was it. Unless you guys just think I'm slutty because of that, which I guess I understand. There's really nothing I can do but wait and see what happens. It sucks, but hell. What am I supposed to do? It's just been a long time since I've been so fucking unsure of myself. It's an awful feeling. And if I'm completely honest with myself, you're probably not doing anything wrong. You have no reason to invite me to do anything...we just met a couple weeks ago. I guess I just was hoping we'd hit it off and be good friends all summer. I guess I'm just jealous. I want to hang out with you. And not just you--Gio, too. Hanging out and getting drunk with you two is fun. When you were kissing me, it felt really nice. Nice, like...right. And the massage was great, too. It was just really nice being flirted with, and you putting your arm around me and holding me. It felt right, it felt natural. But I'm not saying that as if I want some sort of relationship, or even a regular hook up (though that would be great). You just make me very comfortable. It's weird. Almost like Ian or Paul...though not quite that extreme. Anyway, I hope I see you again soon. And as long as you and Gio haven't made some sort of pact against me (I really am that paranoid), I'm sure I will.

From,

Me

Dear Sean (again),

I'm not sure why I slept with you. I looked back at the last letter I wrote you, about how if I met you today I wouldn't go for you, and that now I am more confident and am trying to be picky.... well, guess I slipped. Honestly, I'm in a rut, and I just don't really have my head on my shoulders right now...so I let that happen. I shouldn't have, yet I feel like I'll just let it happen again. And it weirds me out that I'm the only non-girlfriend you've ever slept with. I don't know what to do. And being with Angel, Matt, and the twins made me feel even more idiotic about everything. I had to sit there and laugh when they were making fun of you, and making fun of me for ever dating you... and then in the back of my mind all I could think about is how I spent the night with "that moron" just a few days ago. If the LAN party came first, I never would have put myself in that position with you...I think. I still think you're a decent guy, and I like that we're friends again and everything but shit...what was I thinking? And I know that's harsh, even mean but...I don't know. It's bothering me, and that sort of thing generally doesn't bother me. I don't know what to do.

Always,

Me

Dear Ian,

Ok...I'm writing to you again. I mean, you are the reason I started this blog in the first place. It's been almost 7 months since I wrote that first letter and...nothing has changed. I still think about you a lot, and I absolutely love the phone conversations we have. I was thinking about you today, and was thinking about calling you but I was nervous about that being weird. Your happy valentine's day text made my day. It was something I was hoping for but not expecting at all. You said you are hoping to visit before the end of the semester and I really hope that happens. Last time we talked you asked me when I'm coming to Chicago. I hope you are serious about having me up there because I'd love more than anything to spend time with you again. You could have so easily just been a random summer fling but you ended up being a really amazing friend and someone I wish I could actually see regularly instead of talking to on the phone every few weeks. There's not a doubt in my mind that we would be together if we lived anywhere near each other. Ian, you make me happy, and I seriously value the relationship we have, more than any other relationship I've had with any other guy, no matter how casual or serious. I'm glad you still think about me and like talking to me and I love the voice mails you leave me and I love that you even care enough to leave voice mails and I think you're the only person I still talk to on the phone for more than 10 minutes at a time (aside from family). I am counting on seeing you in the next few months. You haven't let me down yet, so here's hoping you'll come through with this, too.

Miss you a ton!

-Me